LOVE LANGUAGE & WHY IT’S IMPORTANT TO LEARN

There are times when we feel like we put in so much effort into our relationships that we aren’t on the same page as our partner. Whether we show them love by doing extra jobs around the house, expressing how you feel about them, or giving them a big hug at the end of a hard day, nothing seems to be working. Whatever you do to try to express love for your partner, they just don’t show their love for you in the same way – why is that?

By better understanding the languages we can in turn understand our partner by identifying how they show us love and how we should show them love – overall strengthening the bond and communication in the relationship. We take a look at the five love languages, which primary love language you and your partner identify with, and how you can use them to your advantage.

1. Acts of Service

If your #1 Love Language is “Acts of Service,” you feel most loved and appreciated when your partner thinks about what they can do to ease the responsibilities that are weighing on you. Hearing “let me help you with that” or “I already took care of it” is more exciting to you than those pictures of hot guys with baby animals (yes, it is a real book). Laziness, failure to perform their share of chores, or being unthoughtful with how they can help you are all easy ways for you to feel unappreciated and unloved.

2. Words of Affirmation

This one is the gushing best friend of love languages. If your #1 Love Language is “Words of Affirmation,” actions do not speak louder than words. Unsolicited compliments make you feel secure and happy in your relationship. Hearing “I love you” on a regular basis is important to you, and helps you to believe you are loved. Hearing the reasons behind why they love you is icing on the happy-relationship cake. Insults are not easily forgotten and not hearing enough words of affirmation will make you feel unloved.

3. Quality Time

For you, nothing says “I love you” like binge-watching Game of Thrones or playing Scrabble on a Friday night. Having your partner’s undivided attention is the time when you feel most appreciated. Distractions during quality time or postponing dates can make you feel like you aren’t important to your partner. Scheduling the time to be together is crucial to the success of your relationship.

4. Receiving Gifts

This one may sound like it’s materialistic or reserved for gold diggers. But if this is your #1 language, don’t question your character. It actually has more to do with the thought behind the gift than the gift itself. You appreciate the thoughtfulness behind gift giving (whether it’s a grand birthday present or bringing home your favorite magazine from a trip to the drugstore). All gifts, whether small and daily or big and grand, remind you how much you matter to your partner and how much thoughtfulness and effort they think you’re worth. Missed birthdays or thoughtless gifts are your relationship nightmare because it makes you feel like your partner doesn’t care about you.

5. Physical Touch

Get your mind out of the gutter, this isn’t just about intimacy — holding hands, hugging, or pats on the back make you feel loved and cared for. Physical closeness is directly related to emotional closeness for you, and neglect can be destructive to the relationship. A hug can lift your mood or take away your insecurities.

So why is knowing your partner’s love language so crucial to the success of your relationship?

It will help you and your partner feel more appreciated.

Think about it: if you’re an “Acts of Service” person dating a “Words of Affirmation” person, your partner might shower you with compliments and “I love you”s every day, but you would spend the relationship not feeling truly appreciated because they never offer to run errands or do the dishes. Understanding your partner’s love language will help you discern how they show their love, so that you do feel loved and appreciated, knowing the way in which they give their love is different than yours.

It will allow you to communicate your needs more.

We’ve all had those little things we wish our partner would just do without us asking; complimenting us when we dress up, bringing home flowers, planning a date night. When they don’t do these things, it can be hurtful because in our minds, those things equate to their appreciation. We also might worry they’d just be doing those things because they feel forced to if we ask them to, not out of appreciation or love. Understanding that they do other things out of love, and that they just have a different love language, will help you to communicate, “it makes me feel appreciated when you clean the kitchen,” or “I feel loved when you hold my hand.”

It will show you and your partner what you both should do without being asked.

Knowing your partner is a “Physical Touch” person will make you more thoughtful about holding their hand in public or hugging them when they’re down, and you will be able to understand the meaning and importance behind these little acts that, for you, would otherwise be insignificant. Your partner will be more conscious about what they can do to show you how much they appreciate and love you. When you and your partner both know how the other gives appreciation and wants to receive appreciation, it makes for more thoughtful decisions and efforts that make you and your partner both feel loved and valued.

Tell them how you really feel; BE TRANSPARENT

For me, it’s him taking the time to be interested in how I want to be loved and what that looks like. Even in the bedroom! Sharing in the exchange of affection. I love hard so if he doesn’t match that or excel beyond that, I can feel as though he’s not interested in learning something that’s important to me! It goes both ways though. As women, we should learn him in the same way. We can’t assume we know!

So how are you loving these days…

About Author /

Award-Winning Publicist | Media Strategist | Journalist | Author | Our Sole Purpose, Inc. Founder | Black Media Honors Founder & Producer

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